One year ago today, I held my less-than-3-weeks-old nephew on his first Thanksgiving. We took our first of many Aunt Kiki/Wild selfies. I remember feeling so thankful for his sweet little self, and a twinge of sadness and fragile hope as I wondered if or when I would ever hold my own baby, and then a whole lot of guilt for even daring to feel sad at all.
11 months ago today, it was Christmas Eve. After a 58 day cycle, I found out with certainty I was not pregnant. It was my nephew's first Christmas, and I danced around family member's questions about when we were going to have our own baby. I'm sure I gave very vague answers, like "someday", or "not yet", but the truth is that I was surrounded by joy when my heart was breaking. I gave those vague answers while mostly avoiding eye contact and hoping my voice wouldn't betray me. I sat there, just like the month before, struggling with the mixture of gratitude and sadness and hope and guilt.
8 months and 3 days ago, I sat with my very kind OB/GYN, and he told me what I feared but deep down already knew- that my body was broken. He is so kind and used euphemisms and medical terms, but that's what I heard: "you're broken". And so began a lot of driving back and forth to the doctor's office and a lot blood work to confirm the brokenness and an attempt to fix my body and a lot of guilt that somehow this was my fault and a lot of tears and yet a little hope, because if we could get to the bottom of the brokenness, we could maybe get to a place of healing.
6 months ago today, I took my fragile hope and bought a "best dad ever" coffee mug, wondering if I'd ever get to give it to the world's cutest husband. I took yet another pregnancy test. And he drank Sprite out of that mug that very night. While I had prayed for a baby many times before, that day, my prayers changed from "a baby" to "this baby."
5 months and 2 weeks ago, we had our first ultrasound, and I prayed, prayed, prayed we'd see a heartbeat. We did. We've seen it several times since, and heard it even more.
3 months and 3 days ago, we found out our baby is a girl. We didn't believe the ultrasound tech and got a second opinion a few hours before our gender reveal party 5 days later 😂 (she was right- #sorryJoyce). We named her that day and have fallen more in love with being a "girl mom" and "girl dad" every day since then. I am so into all things our girl, and you can see the love on her daddy's face when he talks to her. *swoon*
Just under a month ago, we took maternity pictures. Pictures that I didn't know if we would ever get to take. We are a month away from Christmas Eve, and if she comes a day late or anytime before, less than 2 months away from our little lady's arrival.
There's a lot of life that's been lived and still to be lived between these mile markers. It's been an incredibly hard year and an incredibly joyful one. I have cried more tears than I probably have in the previous 5 years combined, and I've experienced a lot of joy and love and hope, too. At every single turn, God has been absolutely faithful, and I know He will continue to be.
If where I was last year is your reality this season- skirting questions, nursing wounds, walking with gratitude and sadness side by side, I pray you will not give guilt one second of your time. Gratitude and praise is a choice we can make, and we can make that choice independent of our feelings. Sadness is an emotion- emotions come, and they are real, and they are not wrong. Feel them without feeling guilty for having emotions- it's part of being human. Don't use the excuse of being busy to stuff them. Take the time to get real with your emotions and give them to the only One who can give you beauty for ashes and dancing for mourning and laughter for weeping. It is okay to be sad for what was and has gone, or what will be and is not yet, or what you hope for and are wondering if or when. Also, budget your emotions. I know that sounds strange, but if there is a particularly painful or sensitive event (or even season!) for you right now or coming up, give yourself grace in other areas. (Example: Hello, my name is Kayla, and I totally skipped a baby shower the week of Mother's Day this year. I knew I needed to save my energy and emotions for the weekend. So let that take some weight off your shoulds- you're not the only one.)
The enemy prowls like a lion, looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). If you don't take your stuff to the Healer, the enemy will pounce on it. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), and he hates everything good, so he will take your sadness and try to choke out your hope. If you sit in it long enough, he'll take the opportunity to sow seeds of bitterness. He loves fear and anxiety- they are his favorites to use with me, along with guilt for feeling the way I do. I am so serious, y'all- I've seen it in my own life. Try to handle it on your own (whatever "it" is for you), without taking it to Jesus, and the result will not be good.
I've been there and sometimes I'm still there- battling perfectionism and people-pleasing disguised as "service" and anxiety and guilt over anything and everything. I take the weight of the world on my shoulders, when the reality is that Jesus never asked me to. I feel so responsible to save the world, when Jesus has already acted to save. I want so badly to handle my junk and get it right and handle everybody else's junk and make it right, when Jesus is simply asking me to abide in Him and trust Him make it right. I forget in my haste to do His work that I'm not God's employee- He adopted me and He calls me His kid (Ephesians 1:5, 1 John 3:1). (Side note: just typing that, I get tears in my eyes. He doesn't need me, but He wants me. What a good God.)
He has planned good things for me to do (Ephesians 2:10), but that doesn't mean every good thing. Maybe the problem isn't that I can't do everything and get it all right by myself- it's in my sin when I act as if it all depends on me, when I was made to be totally dependent on Him. And so I'm learning to take it to Him, as often as necessary. When I catch myself trying to "fix" or "handle" or earn His love or taking on the weight of the world, I take it to Jesus. I tell Him that He's the only One who can handle it, I ask His forgiveness for not trusting Him and working like it all depends on me, and I ask Him to help my unbelief, to help me do the things He has for me without inserting myself into things that aren't for me to do, to help me see things and people as He does. It's hard and I can be a slow learner, but I continue to find He is patient and kind.
A year ago today, I was shakily holding onto hope and learning to trust Him. Today, I'm still learning to trust Him, but my hope is an anchor (Hebrews 6:19), and I can hold tight to it, because He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).
Let your hope and confidence be in who He is, and who He is is faithful.
