There are many times where I just don't know what to say. I know what you're thinking- a teacher, a blogger, a Chatty Cathy- this lady has too many words! But sometimes words will not suffice.
I am the worst at knowing what to say in times of grief and loss and disappointment. Okay, maybe not the worst, but it's definitely not my gift. I'm an over-thinker on so much in my life, and so, during those times, my wheels that already turn nearly constantly go into overdrive. I start thinking about what the right thing to say is and when the right time to say it is and if it's really my place to say anything at all and what happens if what I think is the right thing really makes things worse and how I'll deal with it if I do make it worse and...it's really quite exhausting.
And so, more often than not, I just don't say anything. Which is arguably as bad as or worse than saying the wrong thing. Because at least if I say the wrong thing, I've acknowledged the hard. The last thing I want to happen is for someone to feel like I don't see or notice or like I'm ignoring their hard. Their tears. Their grief. Their loss. Their pain. Their despair. It's not because I don't see or feel these things. It's because I feel them so deeply. And, quite frankly, that makes me uncomfortable. Oh, my selfish heart- it does not like to be unnecessarily uncomfortable.
And this is why I love math- because I am a creature of habit. More than rules and habits, I love math because you don't have to feel whether or not you agree that 12 x 10 is 120. It just is. Every single time. 12 times 10 will give you 120. Doesn't matter if you're talking jelly beans or dozens of doughnuts or flowers or 12 dimes or 12 tickets that cost $10 each or just a value in a given problem. It's constant.
It's one of the many reasons why I love Jesus- He is constant. He is only good. And He is sovereign. Not for a moment will He forsake you. (If you could hear Meredith Andrews' "Not For a Moment" as you read those words, we should be friends. If you didn't, you should go look it up.) Do you know that? Do you know what it does for your heart when you really, truly know that? He is constant- always. Not often there, not sometimes shows up, not around most of the time, but constant. He is ONLY good- not mostly good, not usually good, not good 99.999% of the time, but only. That's it. Good. He is sovereign- not kind of in charge, not pretty important, but the ultimate authority. He is all of those things and so much more, and not for a moment will He forsake you. Not for a moment. He doesn't sleep. He never gets tired. He never walks away. He will not leave you. He will not forget you. He died for you before you ever loved Him back. He died for you even if you never love Him back.
You've never had a friend like Him. And you never will besides Him. Not because your friends aren't lovely, but because your friends aren't God.
Having the right words in the midst of life's hard is not my gift. One option is for me to be silent. And sometimes, that's the right option. There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under Heaven. To embrace and to refrain. To love and to hate. To weep and to laugh. To mourn and to dance. To search and give up. To keep and throw away. To speak and to be silent. See Ecclesiastes 3 for a more extensive list. My prayer is that I become more and more receptive to what God is doing in every season of my life. That I believe Him and trust him to help me believe when I can't see how. That He will help me know when I should speak and when I should be silent. And when it is time to speak, that He would not only make it perfectly clear to me but also give me the words. Because mine often aren't sufficient, but He is all-sufficient.
He more than me,
Kayla
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