the day I found out I was pregnant

It was a Wednesday.  I had jury duty and had been dismissed.

I did not want to take a test.  I really, truly didn't.  It didn't matter that I was on 8 days of being sick and 3 days of being late.  It was the end of the school year and I chalked my sickness up to being exhausted.  I had been later before and really didn't know if my heart could take the disappointment again.  I had had blood work done a week or so prior, so I knew I had ovulated (which was a pleasant change) and there was hope.  It almost made it harder- both my hope and my heart were fragile.

"Do It Again" by Elevation Worship had become my theme song in the past few months, but still I cried about it all morning, playing "Even If" by MercyMe over and over.  I texted two friends who have been there and asked them to pray for me- that I would remember the goodness of God no matter what any test said.

I pulled myself (somewhat) together and went to Petsmart to buy dog food, listening to my two themes the whole way there.  As soon as I parked, there was his name.  On a bumper sticker on a truck parked in the space in front of me.  Everett.

If you've read about the day I found out I wasn't pregnant (if you haven't, go back and read this before going on), you know that my husband and I named our future son Everett long before babies were on our radar.  I took a picture with my phone to remind me of this God-wink as I went through- what I was sure was going to be- a rough afternoon.

I bought food for the pups and went to Target.  I bought the test- a small box with 2 because I didn't want to think about how much money I had spent on negative tests and I was sure these would be 2 of the same.  I perused the aisles (because, hello, Target), and there it was.  A big coffee mug that says "best. dad. ever."  I slipped it into my basket and silently wondered if I would ever get to give it to my sweet husband.

I checked out at Target, minimizing impulse buys, and came home.  The tests stayed in the bag on the kitchen counter.  I started some laundry and sat down on the couch to do something mindless.  Nothing was striking me on Netflix so I turned to Candy Crush (go ahead and judge- whatever, man).  I don't link Candy Crush (my one game that I like, okay?!) to my social media, so I just play anonymously.  When you play anonymously and get your scores at the end of the level, it puts you on a "rankings board" with other, made up people.  I finished a level and it put me on this made up ranking board with made up people.  And there was his name again- Everett.

At this point, I decided I had to take a test.  It was afternoon and I knew a negative would give me perhaps more false hope, but I couldn't sit there and do nothing.  I had to know- the unknown was worse than any negative, this I knew very well.  I reminded myself that I had seen many negative tests before and I was still standing- I could do this.  So I gathered up what little courage I could find, grabbed the Target bag, and set off to take the test.

Then I cried.  Yes, more crying.  Yes, without having taken a test yet.
I cried and I prayed, "God, no matter what this test says, even if You never give me children, You're still good and You're enough.  Show me and remind me You're enough."

Before I took it, I told myself I would not even look at it until the 3 minute wait was over.  No peeking.  I took the test, popped on the cap, laid it flat on the bathroom counter, and went to walk away.  As I was walking away, I saw a pink line on the left side of the window I had never seen before.  I reminded myself it had been a while- I wasn't remembering correctly; I had seen one lonely line many times.

I walked out of the bathroom, turned on my heel, and walked right back in.

And there it was.
The moment I had thought about and prayed for and cried over and dreamed of.
After not even a minute, two pink lines.
And for the first time all day, I didn't cry.

All I could say was, "Thank You."

I have seen the name Everett many times in the almost year since what has come to be known as the day I found out I wasn't pregnant.  I see it always in unexpected places at unexpected times, and I take it as the Lord reminding me, "I AM El Roi, the God who sees, and I don't miss a moment."  Whether He sends us a son or all daughters, I will always see the name Everett and be reminded that  my God sees and knows me; He sees and knows my children before He ever sends them to us (Jeremiah 1:5).

He made a way when there was no way, and I absolutely believe I'll see Him do it again.
"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the LORD!"  Psalm 113:9